Aerin

Thank you.  You have spoken my truth as well. I want to feel great and it is a process. I have this ball in my stomach that is round and black and sometimes white surrounded with barbwire.  Emotion.  It is exhausting and my mind wants to evaluate constantly. I see you and hear you girl.  Welcome to the shaken!!!

Best Regards,

Bill Beyer
M: +1 571 309 2587
E: william@anvil-forged.com

> On Feb 4, 2020, at 10:43 PM, Aerin Lim <aerin.lim1@gmail.com> wrote:
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> Hello everyone,
>
> Thank you for those who reached out to me and wanted to share your updates.  I am sorry that I haven't been as available.  Frankly, I have been going through this phase where I feel like I am not really myself and do not really want to talk to people because there are this big blur and hesitation.  Tonight, I realized that maybe I still do want to share myself even when I am not the typical upbeat myself and that maybe this would help someone.  So I am writing this email.
>
> It's been a bit more than two weeks since we returned to our "real world".  Before I went to the Process, I was pretty grounded and centered. I was happy with my daily spiritual practice of sitting and journaling. Unlike what you may think based on my "spiritual warrior" (thanks Pogo for the nickname) style bashing, I didn't really have a particular pain point that drove me to the process.  Even Nita and Sadie asked me on the first day "so why are you here?"
>
> Then, the Process has shaken up something really deep in me.  I feel extremely vulnerable and open.  I am anxious. My mind is unsettled.  As I had shared on Marco Polo the other day, I drank excessively the first week I came back so I could numb the emotional pain I was experiencing because I do not like pain.  Once I noticed my pattern of numbing pain by drinking coming back, I bashed the dark side, recycled, and stopped drinking.  My mind wants to rationalize and understand but it does not fathom what's really happening. One moment, I think I have clarity, but the next moment, I am not sure. This space of not-knowing is unfamiliar and uncomfortable.
>
> Today, I officially accept that I am shaken post-Hoffman and dismiss the notion that "I should feel great post Process because this is new me!" and I claim to welcome this phase.  I am accepting that all these weird feelings are signs of me growing and that it is OK to feel this way and disorganized.  I am not trying to put myself back together because I trust my spiritual guide and spiritual-self will put me together when it's time. I hold this not-knowing space with compassion.  I do not need to make any decisions now.  I spend less time in my head and more time in my heart.  Anxiety comes when I resist the present moment, so I surrender.  I allow myself to open and receive instead of taking control. I allow others to see me fully, even my darkest parts that I am not proud of. I have no idea what I am doing at times and that scares me but I am showing up with my best intention and an open heart.  I stick to my daily practice of meditation, journaling, quad check, and visioning. I give myself space and time to process.
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> My vow at Hoffman was to settle into the mystery of life's unfolding.  How arrogant was I to wish that because I had no idea how hard this would be.  Life is really throwing me into this mystery so I sit in the not-knowing, maybe with a glass of wine, but not four.  I am just going to chill out here.
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> Blessings from SF,
> Aerin
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