Dear Aerin,

I don’t have words to describe how beautiful, real and touching your message is: Raw, Heartfelt, Deep, Revealing, Loving, Forgiving, Questioning and Brave are just some of the words, but they are not nearly enough.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing this unique and touching love poem to life and all its complexities.

You are an inspiration to me to be as real as I can be and be open to the love, joy, pain and confusion that I feel, give and receive.

With love to a true spiritual warrior,
tiger

> On Feb 4, 2020, at 8:43 PM, Aerin Lim <aerin.lim1@gmail.com> wrote:
>
> 
> Hello everyone,
>
> Thank you for those who reached out to me and wanted to share your updates.  I am sorry that I haven't been as available.  Frankly, I have been going through this phase where I feel like I am not really myself and do not really want to talk to people because there are this big blur and hesitation.  Tonight, I realized that maybe I still do want to share myself even when I am not the typical upbeat myself and that maybe this would help someone.  So I am writing this email.
>
> It's been a bit more than two weeks since we returned to our "real world".  Before I went to the Process, I was pretty grounded and centered. I was happy with my daily spiritual practice of sitting and journaling. Unlike what you may think based on my "spiritual warrior" (thanks Pogo for the nickname) style bashing, I didn't really have a particular pain point that drove me to the process.  Even Nita and Sadie asked me on the first day "so why are you here?"
>
> Then, the Process has shaken up something really deep in me.  I feel extremely vulnerable and open.  I am anxious. My mind is unsettled.  As I had shared on Marco Polo the other day, I drank excessively the first week I came back so I could numb the emotional pain I was experiencing because I do not like pain.  Once I noticed my pattern of numbing pain by drinking coming back, I bashed the dark side, recycled, and stopped drinking.  My mind wants to rationalize and understand but it does not fathom what's really happening. One moment, I think I have clarity, but the next moment, I am not sure. This space of not-knowing is unfamiliar and uncomfortable.
>
> Today, I officially accept that I am shaken post-Hoffman and dismiss the notion that "I should feel great post Process because this is new me!" and I claim to welcome this phase.  I am accepting that all these weird feelings are signs of me growing and that it is OK to feel this way and disorganized.  I am not trying to put myself back together because I trust my spiritual guide and spiritual-self will put me together when it's time. I hold this not-knowing space with compassion.  I do not need to make any decisions now.  I spend less time in my head and more time in my heart.  Anxiety comes when I resist the present moment, so I surrender.  I allow myself to open and receive instead of taking control. I allow others to see me fully, even my darkest parts that I am not proud of. I have no idea what I am doing at times and that scares me but I am showing up with my best intention and an open heart.  I stick to my daily practice of meditation, journaling, quad check, and visioning. I give myself space and time to process.
>
> My vow at Hoffman was to settle into the mystery of life's unfolding.  How arrogant was I to wish that because I had no idea how hard this would be.  Life is really throwing me into this mystery so I sit in the not-knowing, maybe with a glass of wine, but not four.  I am just going to chill out here.
>
> Blessings from SF,
> Aerin
>
>
>